YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE
“So let’s cut the mini-moves and the bullshit and get on with this big romance.” Thief - w/d Michael Mann
I don’t think anyone would consider Michael Mann’s brilliant crime thriller Thief to also be a tender love story and yet, master thief “Frank” as portrayed by the late, great James Caan is very much a hopeless romantic pursuing Tuesday Weld’s "Jessie.” Once Frank sets his eyes on her, he knows it is true love and makes his case to her in the vulnerable, but very blunt way he does in the aforementioned quote. Frank doesn’t have space to be subtle. He needs to be making moves before his time runs out.
I love this movie for many reasons, but this particular piece of dialogue and the relationship between Caan and Weld is so insightful for me when working with clients who are navigating dating and relationships. We all want true love. We all want to find “the one.” When we find someone we click with, we will do anything to hold onto them — anything. I can’t tell you how many times a client has sat down on my couch and told me with clear eyes and an open heart that they have found the person they are going to spend the rest of their life with — that they met yesterday. After I validate their experience, the next question I have is always the same — “So how does that make you feel?” The answer is typically uniform — excitement. However, when I dig a little deeper, we seem to find the fear as well.
Frank has spent years in prison to figure out how to do time. He has a vision for the rest of his life and he wants Jessie to be a part of it — kids, house, security — a straight life after one big score. Not only does he have it mapped out, he carries it around in his pocket in the form of a collage of photographs and ads crudley cut out from magazines. However, he’s also scared shitless, and for good reason, because you can’t hurry love. There are many definitions for anxiety, but I like to characterize it this way for my patients — anxiety is the worry we experience about an imminent event for which we cannot discern the outcome. This is one of the things that invites anger — a violation of expectations — but that’s another post. Frank’s tender, yet brusque offer to Jessie is an example of that tension — he can’t know what will come, but he also can’t wait for it to happen. If you’ve seen the movie, you know how it ends. Spoiler alert: it ain’t a fairy tale.
Whatever feeling we are having, we bring into the experience we are trying to cultivate. I’m not saying there is no such thing as “love at first sight”, but I think we need to recalibrate our expectations by attuning to what we are feeling in the moment rather than what we think we can perceive down the road, but cannot truly know. If I came up to you and handed you a one-way ticket to a place you’d never been and told you that you had ten minutes to make a decision that would impact the rest of your life — I think you’d be upset. I get nauseous just thinking about it.
Don’t ignore your hopes and dreams when it comes to love, but listen to your emotions as well. If you’re flush with excitement about meeting Prince or Princess Charming and ready to follow them to the ends of the earth, gift yourself the time and compassion to consider what else you might be feeling. Fear doesn’t necessarily mean you are making a mistake, but maybe you pump the breaks before you decide to get on bended knee. The more aware of our emotions we are, the better we can manage the unknown future that awaits us.
That’s time we can all do.
