MANAGING HOPE AND DESPAIR
“Wisdom is holding two contradictory beliefs in our mind simultaneously — hope and despair.” First Reformed
This is the thesis for a gripping scene between “Reverend Tolliver” (played by Ethan Hawke) and a tortured parishioner grappling with anxiety and fear about bringing a child into a world on the cusp of environmental collapse in Paul Schrader's critically acclaimed 2017 film First Reformed.
Many times I find myself sitting across from a client who is in pain. I always offer empathy and compassion, but I do struggle sometimes with the wisdom. “Despair is part of our experience as being human” — who wants to hear that?
Like Hawke’s character, I struggle with how much of my discomfort stems from my own unconscious material. This is what is referred to as countertransference — when the therapist begins to project their own thoughts and feelings onto their client based on their experience of the client in the room. What keeps me grounded in that moment is the conviction in what Schrader posits — that hope and despair held in equal measure is how we derive wisdom. I would even take it a step further and suggest that real wisdom is not just holding two contradictory beliefs, but being able to tolerate the emotions that come with them.
So what does tolerating emotions looks like?
Tolerating emotions is not only having the awareness of what the emotion is, but being able to express that emotion in a way that allows you to be able to separate yourself from that emotion. One of the techniques I utilize in my work is externalizing emotion; a practice found in narrative therapy. I will refer to a client’s sadness as their “sadness.” I will ask, “How are you experiencing sadness? What is sadness trying to tell you?” This allows the patient to be able to relate to the emotion independent of themselves.
Sounds like no big deal, right? Wrong. It is incredibly difficult when we are having an emotional experience to be able to separate ourselves from the feeling we are having. How often have you found yourself overwhelmed by emotion and not known why? When we experience vulnerability, we can become emotional. This is where therapy is incredibly beneficial. As a therapist, I create a container that not only allows my clients to better understand the onset of the emotion, but I also slow the process by attuning to what physiological sensations are happening.
While this is just one method of managing emotions, it has particular relevance for me when considering the aforementioned Schrader quote in an affirming way.
If we can derive wisdom from holding hope and despair in equal measure, than perhaps we can achieve balance in our lives by managing our awareness and experience of the corresponding emotions.
